ole!

yep, it was my first trip to the stadium to watch a football match.

it was red team versus blue team.

i was a little confused. see, i was wearing red, so i thought i was supposed to root for the red team. but everyone in red around me kept booing at the red team and scolding them with funny-sounding words like *beep* and *beep*. (eh, how come they come out as “*beep*” ah? got censor ah this blog?)

go red team go!

anyway, i made a lot of new friends there. the indian men sitting in front of us were quite funny and i poked their shoulders a few times to tell them so. they whistled very loudly and jiggled their butts and waved their hands in the air everytime something exciting happened in the field. i believe they were doing what is known as the bhangra. and i dunno why but unkle shukor kept calling me “ah-neh”. it’s ah-neek lah, unkle! hmph.

then there were the nice ladies sitting behind us. one of them even gave me a chicken nugget. then they carried me here there and everywhere. i was hoping i’d get passed along the whole stadium together with the kallang wave, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen. but mummy was more than happy to have her hands free for a while anyway.

oh, speaking of mummy, it was also her first trip to the stadium! my goodness, mum, you’ve never been to one of these in all your twenty-nine years of life? so deprived you are. luckily you managed to fish out that red adidas tee from your wardrobe that you’ve never worn before.

nevermind lah. you stick to your shopping malls, ok? at least it got you prepared for this event.

now stop asking where Precious is!

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i hear that valentines day is coming soon.

that means a lot of boys and girls will be going out on romantic dates and such.

and so, for the benefit of my fellow brethren who will be making their moves on that day, here’s a guide to How To Be A Gentleman on a date with that hot chick of your choice.

first, ask her and let her decide where she would like to go, especially where to dine. this gives her the impression that you are a thoughtful person who values her inputs. also, this is to avoid her calling you a cheapskate should you suggest places like mcdonald’s, kfc, geylang market, etc. (that last one, by the way, is one of daddy’s favourite places to bring mummy to eat, that cheapskate.)

girl: let’s go to this place, they have lobsters.
boy: *gulp*

when you are seated, tell her she looks ravishing and good enough to eat. she will be so flustered and shy that she’ll skip the main course and order a salad to ensure she maintains her ravishing figure. if she has trouble reading the menu (from all that blustering), call the maitre d’ (or ‘waiter’, for the less refined) and order on her behalf. in your best french, no less.

boy: je veux le poulet, s’il vous plait. (translate: gimme gimme chicken!)
girl: apo dia bobal tu…

i would highly recommend this next bit after a nice meal. you know they say, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? well, the way to a woman’s heart is through her shopping bag! now, boys, try your very best to stay awake and alert during this tough and trying part of the date. (i’d suggest having a cup of coffee after that meal.) your date will be asking you generic ten-year-series-type of questions, such as “does this make me look fat?” or “how do i look in these?” or “i wish i could have this!” (that last one sounds like a statement but is actually a hidden question, translated as “can you buy it for me?”. for more on Girl Statements That Are Actually Hidden Questions, please await the publication of my book of that title, to be out soon in all good bookstores.)

boy: this one looks REALLLYYYYYYY GOOOODDDD on ya, hun! i swear, on barney’s life!

now, here’s when the date ends and you reap your rewards! tell her thank you for the superduper great time, and a little bit more flattery wouldn’t harm too (eg. “you have such an interesting, brainy, brilliant mind” etc. well, girls like to hear they’re smart too, you know.)

and then, pucker up….

mummy: just lips, no tongue, now!

of course, if you are under 18 years of age, you have to be heavily supervised and chaperoned by your respective mummies. (like that fella, ashton kucher.)

with that, i wish all of you the best in your quest to be a full-fledged Gentleman like me.

may the Force be with you!

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daddy had to run an errand, so i had a bit of fun with mummy for a while, exploring the Great Outdoors. well, it’s not exactly great, like a park or anything. but it’s out of the malls and under the sun, so it’s good, no?

there were lots of interesting things to see, just sitting by the road side.

and even more interesting things to do! like what that man is doing there, pulling grass.

he was kind enough to pull me up and show me how its done.

ouhh.. so THIS is grass. wonder how those cows can like this stuff…

… it tickles!

meanwhile…

hey mister, your fly is open!

oops, i better check if mine is too…

hey, a ciggie. thanks, mate.

oops, my daddy’s comin’, i better hide this…

after all that mucking around, my hands were all black and dirty. of course, i have no concept of the word ‘dirty’ at all, just that mummy keeps shouting “DIRTY! DIRTY!” everytime i touch or pick something up from the ground. usually, my attempts to gobble them up are foiled by her too, followed by more hysterical screams of “NOOOO DIRTY!”

sheesh. party pooper.

but you know what? the REAL reason why i like to get my hands all black and “dirty” is so that i can… PLAY WITH WATER! can you see the joy in my face? whee!

and now i’m all “clean” again.

for a few seconds anyway. heee.

*splashes puddle on the ground with hands*

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selamat hari sembelih baa baa black sheep, everibodeee!

before i go to the mosque, lemme practise my sujud first.

eh, where did my songkok go…?

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on kismis eve, i visited the President of the Union of Bambinos at his house. it was so high up, i thought we’d climbed jack’s beanstalk!

i was almost right. there were golden roosters at the top…

and not to mention a Giant (Toddler).

ouh, my brudder Tahuiboy came along too.  

but it took a while before he warmed up and joined the Giant and me.

me? my engine is always running lah. the only time it stalls is when i fall asleep. teehee.

thankyew unkle moby and unty trin for feeding us hungry people!

maybe next time mummy – err, i mean, DADDY will cook up a storm in our tiny kitchen. but mummy said, before we can invite any more people for proper sit-down lunch/dinner parties, we seriously need to buy nicer dining plates, and get rid of our current dining table which she doesn’t like very much. (i suspect this is an excuse for her to shop.)

anyone wants a superheavyduty yellow marble dining table for FREE?? she’s feeling very santa claus.

meanwhile, multiply and be merry… ho ho ho!(eh. kismis day over already ah?)

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like bapak, like anak…?

“can i have some hair gel, please?”

“nevermind what team, i look good in red. ahem!”

“the only difference between daddy and me is… i play with the ball waaaay more than him. (that lazy bum, teehee.)”

“nak pergi mana ni, izad?”

nowadays, if you ask him, “ANIQ! mana izad??”, he’ll turn, scan the room, and point at his daddy.

and occassionally, he’ll get sick of being asked and point to some other male adults.

mum tried out another question on him the other day.

“ANIQ! mana nana??” he turned, scrunched up his face and pointed at me.

on first-name basis dengan mak bapak, nampak?

haii, ni lah budak-budak new-age sekarang ye…

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the tenth of december is a very auspicious day, you know.

last year, i was born.

exactly a year later, my latest cousin was born. wow, maybe next year we can celebrate our birthdays together! what say you, newbie?

ouhh, he’s a baby A too. anaqy, i think, that’s what they’re calling him. he has his mummy’s features, and his daddy’s complexion. (further proof to mum’s theory that baby boys tend to look more like their mothers. then again, my mummy ni pandai-pandai only…)

also, on the day i was born last year, this aunty got married.

my, what a big balloon you have there, aunty!

needless to say, mum and dad couldn’t make it to their wedding though i think it’d have been a REALLY grand entrance for me if they did, ha ha.

i dunno why, but unkle nazir has been calling himself my ‘bapak mertua’ for a while now. is it something like ‘burung kakaktua’, maybe?

pic taken by unkle nazir’s huge-ass cam… eh, why am i always pictured sweaty and nekkid ah??

well, that balloon under the aunty’s dress popped, so we went to visit baby marsya.

assalamualaikumm, boleh masok tak?

ouhh, aunty rairai came along to see the baby too. she ah, crazy about babies one. she ah, cannot see babies, sure romos one. i think she needs some form of rehab…

mummy (and apparently aunty rai) was taken by the nice painting in baby marsya’s room. look! so pweeety.

ok lah aunty, you ALSO pweety ok? hurhur.

then, they took out their OTHER baby. now THIS one i like! (coz human babies are sooo for aunties, and not for toddlers like me.)

come hereee… no no, i’m not The Cat Terroriser.. really….

so big hor? i bet if aunty ayu was there, she’d jump up on the sofa and become hysterical. (but not in a tom cruise kind of way lar, hehee.)

and here’s something else i like… somebody feeding me ACTUAL food for a change!

SATAY!

tsk tsk. unkle azim, you are so notty.

why you never give me more??

so (since i’m REALLY sleepy now) that concludes my story.

till the next tenth december… who’ll be born then, i wonder?

(err, mummy, why are you staring at aunty rai and unkle azim like that…?)

slot in some coins please…

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betol cakap, dah lama tak buat kerja ni macam.

alah, kerja bimbo. mengshopping, memakan, mengomel.

menggambar.

maklumlah, bloggers lah katakan. kita kan takde life.

benci, kan? ;p

on another note, doncha just hate it when you finally have TWO.POINT.TWO and then go out with the sole intention to lepaskan geram and then find absolutely NOTHING you fancy? grr arrgh.

but… i guess that’s a good thing. seb sikit.

eh aniq eh?

ouhh i think he’s got something to say next.

(blogging ni kan, boleh jadi schizo tau.)

**********

hola unkles and aunties!

i wanna tell you about how i managed to weasel my way into tagging along with mum to town when she initially intended to leave me behind under daddy’s care. she wanted something she called a Berfeeling Single Day Out with her kun – i mean, friends, and to loosen her purse strings on what she calls Mummy’s Stuff.

like, HAH! fat chance, hunny.

with my Care Bear powers, i made daddy drag me along and after he dropped mum off, he took me around to some shops. barely twenty minutes later, daddy called mum and  got her to meet him for a while with the reason that the stroller couldn’t fit into the shop he wanted to enter. ha ha! daddy, you also another weasel ah.

after daddy got his Daddy’s Stuff, we were reunited again. i think i distracted the aunties from their ramen and sushi for a bit with my, ahem, charm. hurhur.

ouhh, after some of the aunties left, i met unkle poji. you know, as in joji poji pudding and pie?

when i grow up, i wanna have a dimple just like his.

wait… lemme try…

unty pina said i dun stand a chance. why youuu…. *&$@%

*SMACK THAT!*

ahem. bygones. i lup you still, unty pina. i shall keep striving for that deep, deep dimper so that many girls will fall at my feet, muaaahaaha~ (eh, girls falling at my feet sounds scary, actually. wait everytime must perform CPR, how…)

anyway, i had a ball distracting mum from her two.point.two expedition, touching every item in every store, running around the many people’s legs in the crowd, gawking at the many twinkly lights above…

and since i like orchard road SO much, i think i may just be born to shop. (so mum, gimme that teeshirt you’re holding!)

by the way, mum says she’ll *try* to bring me somewhere more “consumer-free” next time. hmm, in-te-res-ting…

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i’ve heard of all kinds of machines in my short life of 11 months.

iPod. iRobot. iRiver. iDunnowhat. (i hear there are also things like iMac, iShuffle, iSwallow.)

so self-centred hor, these people with “i” things?

hmm, maybe “i” stands for “intelligent”. maybe people like being surrounded by “intelligent” things. but can people be more “intelligent” and start coming up with names that don’t start with “i”? like, i don’t know, uZap?

or better still, use “we” lah. sounds more friendly right? “we” denotes sharing. like weBrolly (ie. technologically-enhanced umbrella). or wePet (ie. mechanical domestic animal).

meanwhile, the Daddy has gotten himself another one of those “i” junk to add to his clutter of playthings.

he said it’s an iLuv.

huh?

as you can see, i was rudely awoken in the morning by this so-called intelligent gadget. but hah! weBabies are infinitely superior in our intelligence than a little box that makes a whole lotta noise. after a few suspenseful and thrilling moments later, i figured it out in no time. (see my hitchcock-like silhouette in the background? cool huh.)

iSimply hit SNOOZE.

it wasn’t so fun, so i didn’t bother with it much.

Daddy’s toe bulu made for SO much more entertainment.

and for that, i shall call him iHobbit.

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