what with being constantly hounded and relentlessly pursued by cold-blooded paparazzi (ok ok, so the paparazzo is more often than not MUMMY herself, sheesh), this boy had to do what he’s got to do, for the sake of preserving his dignity and his sanity.

he:

a) went incognito as an ugly (yet endearingly appealing) troll.

b) trained to be his own bouncer-slash-bodyguard (slash-chippendale-stripper??).

c) lost a whole lotta weight to slip through crowds unnoticed (ala lindsay lohan).

d) learnt to do magic disappearing acts (move over, davids copperfield & blaine!).

but… they’re not working, dammit!

i’ve really got to find more ways of dodging those flashlights and limelights…

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since it was the eve of mum’s day and all, i thought i’d give her a break. you know, just let her chill for a few hours without having to run around after me. it’s not like i have the means to buy her a present and all, so i figured, giving her some time to date with daddy would make a pretty good gift, doncha think?

so what happened was, they chucked – i mean, left me with one of my favouritest uncles and his girlfriend (who taught me to refer to her as KAKAK hajar, like real only kakak, right!), and they straightaway rode off into the (almost) sunset. but not before giving my minders specific instructions. (eg. give me my biscuits or cornflakes if i was peckish, water if i was thirsty, change diapers if necessary, 180ml of milk at 7pm, etc.)

bah! parents! what do they think i am, a baby?? i don’t need all that worrying about! right, unkle emi?

it was actually unkle emi’s birthday too, and he made a request for me to wear a red liverpool jersey to match his. i’m not sure if we were on the same team, coz mine said ‘carlsberg’ while his said ‘candy’. huh? shouldn’t it just simply say ‘liverpool’?

nevermind such mind-boggling affairs. my nannies brought me to this huge mall where i got to run around like mad.

sweet liberation! no mummy to scream “nooo, aniq!” or “STOP!” and no daddy to grab my hand or haul me over his shoulders! and no rushing me out of the toy shop either! what more could a boy want?

later i tried to run out of the mango shop that KAKAK hajar was in (funny i didn’t see any mangoes or other fruits in there), and occasionally made unkle sweat and pant for his breath while chasing me. thankfully, i didn’t cause an asthma attack on him. hee.

being the good nannies that they are, they actually followed mummy’s instructions (gasp!) and made me drink my milk at 7pm. please refer to the picture below as exhibit A.

the day had to end, so they brought me back to my yai’s house, and shortly thereafter, two vaguely familiar people returned. they called themselves… mummy and daddy! ahhh, yes, THOSE old farts… pffft. :p

mummy fussed over how i hadn’t had my dinner so off we went in search of food, but since i mentioned that it was the eve of mum’s day, the entire stretch of upper changi was packed with other mums whose families were too lazy to cook for them at home (those lazy bums). but then, out of desperation, we spotted a little place right across the road called ‘razack’ and had a pretty nice dinner there with only a fraction of the patrons crowding at mak’s place, kg chai chee etc.

yup, you BET i was hungry as a toddler horse!

i heard later that mum and dad went to watch a show about a spider who turned into a man… or was it a man who turned into a spider? whatever it is, i’m sure i would’ve liked it. sounds gory, coz mum said lots of people got killed!

they’d actually brought me to the cinemas before, when i was smaller. first was ‘x-men’, second was ‘superman’. hmm, ‘spiderman’ would’ve been cool to add to my movie-watching resume, doncha think? i wish i remembered the movies i watched though, coz i think i slept through most of them. (darn those baby attention spans.)

anyhows, i hope mum had as good a date as i had.

… ogling that man in red tights had BETTER be worth the time i sacrificed for her!

(pics courtesy of KAKAK hajar)

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hola, beautiful people!

this is aniq boey, fashion police, coming to you live on izadnhana.org!

today, i’d like to teach you a little something i’ve learnt from my many months of being in front of the camera – how to always look your best for the most amateur photographer, or the most pesky paparazzi.

first, always trust your stylist. when they say “DO THIS!”, you do it. no questions asked. i mean, haven’t you watched ANTM?? man, you wouldn’t wanna mess with crazy people like janice dickinson, i tell ya.

try out the pose in every angle possible. profiles are good, especially if you have a head as round as an egg as mine. of course, it’d be even nicer if you had a prominent nose, something i am sorely lacking, as you can see.

but don’t let your weaknesses get you down! always play up your best features. *flutters eyelashes*

and last, but not least (the least being the latest in romper haute couture to complete the look), flash those pearlies! if you have them already, that is. otherwise, gums are just as great.

oh yes, supermodel-diva tantrums are strongly not advised. no one wants to photograph, much less look, at cry-babies, do they? that’s soo not hot.

and that concludes my lesson for today. you can click on the above pictures for more, what my mother calls, “camwhoring”. tsk, sounds quite foul, doesn’t it? such distasteful language coming from MY mother. i’d like to think i come from a better class than that. hmph! *whips on Baby Banz shades*

“i’m too sexy for your party
too sexy for your party
no way I’m disco dancing…”

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i’m beginning to see a pattern here.

weekends = bbq!

but i think daddy enjoyed himself tremendously eating the bbq-ed food on saturday to celebrate my brudder rayhan’s first birthday. he (daddy, not rayhan) raved about the buttered prawns and kept going back to discover more things to eat.

being the helpful little person that i am, i thought i’d give them a hand (in return for my daddy’s apparent gluttonous behaviour ha ha).

satay, anyone?

that’s my daddy and the other daddies (eh wait, got one non-daddy-cum-non-liverpool-fan sesat to the left, to the left). they watch too much football.

that’s the birthday brudder with the mummies and aunties (and one hot lil babe, feewitt!). they watch too much… desperate housewives?

and being the helpful little person that i am (as you may have gathered by now, and which i reiterate), i busied myself with the distribution of fruits. but i kept getting distracted by these pair of googly eyes looking at me. reaally creepy, i tell ya.

gerrit off me!

… how to get to sesame street!

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could you tell we were away?

i packed everything i needed – my books, my etch-a-sketch pad, and my water bottle! oh, i almost had to carry my own diapers, can you believe it? but mummy was kind enough to do the honours. i believe she brought fifteen diapers for me. so can you guess how long my trip was?

so… where DID we go, daddy?

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i love the sun, really i do. my rugged tan is testament to that.

that’s my ‘pretend’ siblings. they’re actually mummy’s cousin’s kids, which, i believe, make them my second cousins. well, second, third, fourth, fifth… there are just so many of them in one family, even their mummy had to pause to think how old they each are and their respective birthdays, wahaha!

help, i’m seeing double! i must be getting old. hand me my bifocals pls…

anyway, as i was saying, i really love the sun.

but i discovered something i love even better…

SNOW!

it makes my fingers freeze and my eyes tear and my nose trickle and i had to wear a whole lotta stuff on me, but it was faaabulous.

mummy, for some reason, couldn’t stop giggling the entire time, especially when she looked at me. why ah?? i look funny is it??

…

hey, don’t ask me where this is. my theory is, it’s probably somewhere in south park, colarado. that’s where kenny, my alter ego, lived, you see.

oh my god! they killed kenny!

where was i? oh yes, there weren’t any skiing on the snowy slopes, but we were each given a little tyre for our little tushies, and downhill we went, with mummy screaming her head off next to daddy and me. wheeeee~!

i’m bugging daddy to bring me again. just mention the word “snow” and i go “NAK!” – well, then again, what else CAN i say in response to that, right?

next time, i’ll make some snowmen. maybe two.

oh my god! they killed kenny – twice!

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oh puh-leeeese.

did they seriously think they could scare me with THESE?? sheeshkebab!

i mean, i could have them for breakfast!

i think i’ll keep them as pets for now. there, there, be good, now, my new friends.

i’ll let you loose on monday… on abang dadam!

MUAAHAHAA!

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CHAK!

i alarmed my Nanny when she released me at the playground the other day. she’d never seen me go down the slides or run across the rickety bridge all by myself before. huh, serves her right for not bringing me to the playground more often.

but i guess that’s coz most of the day she’s not my Nanny. by the time she comes home in the evening from her other job to be my Nanny, it’s too dark to go to the playground.

there! the playground’s THERE, i say! now stop taking pictures and take us there, you lousy nanny you…

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i’ll be at ikea on sunday afternoon, if anyone asks.

maybe i’ll try to get into that hot ‘club’ called Småland where there’s always a loooong line of cool kids waiting to get in. but dang, i hear the age limit is 4.

maybe i’ll pretend to be part of a band playing a gig in the club! of course, i’ll have to put on something more spiffy than my pajamas here.

i could do with an entourage, and maybe a few groupies.

coz i hear something’s happening outside of ikea that day. not sure what, really, but mummy says i’ve got to be on my best behaviour as there’ll be a guest-of-hawner present.

hah! best behaviour indeed. as if rock star wannabes like me subscribe to that ethos, sheesh.

well, if things get too boring (and i don’t get into that Småcrap – age limit, bah!), there’s always that new big-a** Giant hypermart next door! no age limit there…

see ya, homies! (eh, ni dah jadi ghetto rapper pulak.)

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really, daddy.

WHAT’S THE POINT??

masking tapes are for amateurs, man.

tsk~ parents. they try so hard. i feel sorry for them sometimes. they really shouldn’t undermine our sheer intelligence and power of determination, you know.

now, where’s that crowbar… that prison cot of mine needs a teeny bit of a ‘reconstruction’….

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occasionally, mummy feeds me breakfast. wellllll, i’m not sure if this constitutes as breakfast, really. i mean, crackers with cream cheese is more of a snack, wouldn’t you say?

but it’s ok. mum, she hardly eats breakfast herself, at least not that i’ve observed so far in my almost-15-month life. i think she mumbled something about cream cheese being good coz it’s cheese and therefore full of calcium. she does that sometimes, come up with funny reasonings to justify feeding me crap. (“fries are good coz it’s potato and therefore a vegetable”, etc.)

want some?

she lets me make a right mess, which is why i don’t mind sitting down with her to play- i mean, eat. sometimes she’d point out the ants crawling around me on the kitchen floor where i’m eating. hmm, is she trying to tell me something? *munch munch*

the best part about making a mess is… i get to splash around in the water afterwards. (and make another mess around the sink, hurrah!)

though i don’t really see the point, seeing how i can simply lick myself clean. (i learnt that from my keen observation of cats.)

mmm, next – nutella! (chocolate is good coz they’re cocoa which comes from cacao seed and therefore a plant – hey, i do my homework too, you know.)

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daddy said he felt like ‘cooking’ roast chicken for dinner the other day.

mummy was like, okay!

when she saw the spread, she asked, “sejak bila you sempat roast the chicken?” coz it was a weekday evening and they’d both just come home from work.

nampak sah daddy bedek. i saw paper bags with pictures of chicken on it on the kitchen stove. but he said he did heat it up and fried the wedges and poured thousand island dressing on the salad which came from a plastic box.

later, i tried to bedek daddy to get some ice-cream. i smothered him with my most charming wet kisses on his cheeks, and pointed at the ice-cream bowl while babbling disarmingly at him to show my keen interest.

alas, daddy’s just to clever for me too. he merely ignored me like a robot till the bowl was cleaned out.

one day, daddy, i will get my revenge.

mark my words!

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and sometimes, when neither oly nor lumix is around, they resort to mummy’s k800i.

not exactly up to their, ahem, standards, but whadaheck. i gotta have SOME pictures to accompany my blog entry, right?!

so, anyway, i didn’t manage to find myself a valentine’s day date after all. which is weird, coz i could’ve sworn i had some ‘proposals’. hmm, has mum been screening my BlackBerry, you think…?

what a waste though, coz i had a pretty good reservation for two that day, with some great food that i’m sure my date would’ve enjoyed. i mean, i’m sure you can tell how great the food was from here! it would’ve been SO ‘lady and the tramp’… you know, that cartoon where the two dogs eat from a bowl of spaghetti, then they slurp on the same strand, then they accidentally kiss right smack in the middle… so romantic one!

errrr, you know what… i take it back. i don’t think my date would’ve enjoyed the food if she saw the way i ate. :S

i mean, i’m a gentleman and all, but i still got to work on my fine motor skills, you know? i’m on top of it, i really am. (if only mum would just let me have a go with that nice big fork…)

meanwhile, in the spirit of the recent valentine’s day, let me sing for you a song that i’ve been hearing on radio and mtv lately.

“Take a look at my girlfriend
She’s the only one I got
Not much of a girlfriend
I never seem to get a lot

It’s been some time since we last spoke
This is gonna sound like a bad joke
But momma I fell in love again
It’s safe to say I have a new girlfriend

And I know it sounds so old
But cupid got me in a chokehold
And I’m afraid I might give in
Towels on the mat my white flag is wavin’

I mean she even cooks me pancakes
And Alka Seltzer when my tummy aches
If that ain’t love then I don’t know what love is

We even got a secret handshake
And she loves the music that my band makes
I know I’m young but if I had to choose her or the sun
I’d be one nocturnal son of a gun…”

- gym class heroes feat. patrick stump from fall out boy.

one nocturnal son of a gun! ha ha!
that is soo funny, i think i just peed in my diapees.

ok. gotta find me some wet wipes. darn spaghetti stains.

bye.

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boleh tak? macam cool gitu lah, duduk kat atas stage.

….

now let’s see.

one seat for nunu, one seat for sharleez…

hey, not enough chairs leh!

how liddat??

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