sometimes it’s hard talking about the little things in your life you find pride in – be it your accomplishments, achievements, experiences, aspirations – without inadvertently offending someone.

because, – and perhaps i’m being a cynic here – people would really much rather hear the bad things that happen to you, all your imperfections and failures. because then you wouldn’t make them feel bad about themselves, for whatever reason.

in truth, it’s probably easier finding people – friends and strangers – willing to commiserate in your woes than share in your joys.

empathy is easy; mudita, or altruistic joy, not so.

and when it comes to parenting, ho boy, you REALLY gotta tiptoe on land mines on this one. coz nobody really wants to hear how well you’re doing, not really. not unless they ask. and certainly not when it strikes at their raw, exposed achilles’ heels.

human nature being the funny, illogical thing that it is, i get that, i really do.

(then again, if we keep shoving those achilles’ heels down people’s throats, we’re also shooting ourselves in the foot, so to speak, aren’t we? but i guess some find catharsis in airing their hardships and little grievances, while others, well, simply prefer to conceal them; that way, they protect themselves from others – intentionally or unintentionally – belittling/ridiculing them. everybody has a different way of dealing with their heels, after all.)

so anyway, to dispel the notion that only happy, delightful things happen in the life of izadnhana, let me share bits of what everybody likes to hear – our less-than-ideal dealings with our less-than-ideal children.

the four-year old boy: where shall i begin?

- “i want sweet/toy/etc!! i waaaaaannnnttt…!! i waaaaannnntttt…..! *whine whine whine*”
yes, IT HAPPENS. The Whine. the items may differ, but the tone consistent. despite our repeated denying and ignoring, and reminders to “please ask nicely”, this “i want” syndrome persists. we’ve even renamed him Aniq Iwant. on my less accommodating days, i’d even give him a nice fat tweak on the ear. sometimes, a pants-wetting shout that would crack your eardrums. (yes, i shout. bad mum.) and nah, we’ve never given in to his whiny demands, preferring to let him cry it out and wallow in the misery of not getting what he wants. “THAT’S LIFE, ANIQ! YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT!”, i shout, quoting the wise words of the Rolling Stones. doesn’t mean he’s learnt his lesson though.

- “i dowan to bathe/go toilet!!”
with every ‘i want’, is an ‘i dowan’. anything routine is met with almost-violent objection. why do children resist baths as much as cats and dogs? that is the eternal question. we usually ‘trap’ him into bathing when he has to pee. (off with your clothes, into the shower you go, lightning-thunder-evil laughter!) and then we’d have him resist going to the toilet to pee. i told him if he holds his pee, stones will form inside, and then he wouldn’t be able to pee, and he’ll go to the hospital, and yes, you can die (he always likes a little gore injected into his potential ailments). he’d eventually have to pee at some point, of course, but holding his bladder can’t be a good thing. we’ve threatened putting him back on diapers, which makes him even madder. doesn’t mean he’s learnt his lesson though.

- “i dowan to eat/sleep!”
again, more routines, more ‘dowans’. there’ll be days when he wants proper food (ie. rice), days when he’d refuse it. he likes chicken skin. we told him, that’s why his inner elbow looks as gross as chicken skin (he’s got eczema). and they sleep late, my kids. on average, they’ll doze off at 11 – 11.30pm. the whole process – milk/water-drinking, peeing, toothbrushing, reading, talking, cajoling, threatening – takes about an hour each night. we could start the bedtime routine earlier, but no matter what we do, their body clock is stubborn that way. i know they should be trained to sleep earlier, but because we come back from work and get to spend so little time with them, we don’t have the heart to force them down earlier. bad, yes. good luck when they start morning session in school. so all of you with kids who sleep as early as 8pm, i say, WOW.

- “stop biting your nails!”
that’s me, swatting his hands out of his mouth for the trillionth time. there are times when i have to swat his FOOT out of his mouth. (actually, that bad habit is probably genetic, i’m pret-ty sure i used to perform such an acrobatic feat myself as a kid.) i tried telling him about disgusting germs lurking underneath those nails, travelling into his mouth, down his throat, into his stomach, invading his body (and yes, you’ll die!)… but then, he’ll forget. i never got around to getting that anti-nail-biting cream from the pharmacy.

- “i like game! i like tv!”
with an attention span shorter than a goldfish, video games (which i refuse to have anything to do with, but which he gets to play with abandon at his grandfather’s house) have a way of keeping him hooked. i hate it. sure, it keeps him focused and hones his hand-eye coordination, but at the detriment of a more important skill, ie. sitting down with a pencil and paper, which is OH SO UNEXCITING coz no guns are being shot and no bullets being dodged. barely 5 minutes at writing and he’d have wiggled his way out of his chair with an excuse i’d probably hear for the next 16 years: “i’m tired”. the tv thing, i think, is universal. i don’t know any kid who doesn’t like it, or NEED it. and i guess we need it ourselves too, coz how could we possibly NOT have a tv in the house?! unthinkable.

- “i like my friends, dong yi/vincent/lutfi..”
i know there are kids who are shy, but i say, shyness is really not so bad. consider this boy: he sees people or older kids, he barges right in and tries to play with them, which, i observe occasionally, irritates them. and when i do, i’d step in and pull him away. what else can you do? and another thing, these boys he befriends in school, they influence each other’s behaviour to some extent, and you see the bad ones surface, like the “leh”s at the end of sentences, the loudness, the rowdiness. his teacher called me the other day to tell me that he and his friends were scolded for shooting imaginary guns at the back of the class and causing a pitcher of water to spill. (he cried, HA HA!) and he’s only four! imagine being called up in primary-secondary school, for more serious misdeeds. his inclination as an extrovert could somehow attract him to groups of boys equally brash, playful, and mischievous. so, maybe it’s better to have a shy boy. a nerdy, bookish one. the bawah-ketiak-mak type. i don’t know.

- overall omg-can-you-stop-doing-that! behaviour
this ranges from kicking toys not meant to be kicked, to purposely doing whatever we JUST told him NOT to do, to… oh the list goes on. i get tired just trying to list them down.

so as you can see, all of the above are probably common tales of common parents dealing with common children. they may reveal our lack of disciplining, our lack of spending time with them, a lack of something-or-other, always, always a lack on our part.

and while this exercise of revealing the unpleasant side of my kid (and myself) brings little pleasure to me, perhaps it brings a bit of pleasure to you.

but they probably won’t live up to your EVEN worse stories, experiences, plights and predicaments, i’m sure. because someone ALWAYS has it worse than you, and you just. can’t. win.

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